Currently Listening Lifesong By Casting Crowns Does Anybody Hear Her? see related

she is running 100 miles per hour. in the wrong direction.

does anybody hear her, can anybody see, or does anybody even know shes going down today? under the shadow of our steeple with all the lost and lonely people. searching for the hope thats tucked away in you and me. 

"she is trying. but the canyon is ever widening in the depths of her cold heart."

omgosh.

hi.

so pretty much this is all i need to say. early this morning, jill instant messaged me. she apologized. i forgave her. i apologized. she forgave me. we both confessed our true feelings despite all of the myspace and xanga qoutes. despite all the dirty emails, we both really still liked eachother. we arent ready for this to be over. we both miss the other. so i we met up at the tree. that seperates our subdivisions. and we stood/sat/wandered aimlessly/talked/hugged/caught up/through sticks into the water/had fun/and tried to keep warm for hours. and i loved every second of it.

i dont know why god chose the timing he did. but it seemed nearly perfect. we were both at the end of our ropes. and just like that. at 2 in the morning. things were back again.

currently we arent dating. and it might be a while to get used to things again. but i know that i want to date her again. terribly. im willing to wait as long as she needs. and i will.

this is the best day i have had in over 4 monthes.
kyle

"welcome back old friend. i missed you terribly."

Currently Listening Talk Is Cheap By Dave Melillo for the sake of remembering see related

hello.

so. as you have probably all realize. i have got on like twice now in the past week. and i think that i am done with staying off the internet. so i guess i am back. why would i end it early some may ask. because. after getting on that one time, i realized that i shouldnt take the internet completely away. i should have cut back from the sites that i thought i could live without. now when i say that everyone thinks i was looking at like really bad stuff, like porn and nastiness. i wasnt. thats not what i am talking about. i couldnt get away from jill. i couldnt let go cause every 8 minutes i would go back on her myspace or xanga to see what she had to say about me. and about herself. and i needed to leave that. because there was no way that i ever would have got over her. and yet there are still more reasons why i am getting back on. this is where i talk to people. alot of people. some that need my help, some that i need help from, and some that i just have good conversations with. i dont know how many countless testimonys i share and listen too on the internet. and i miss those. because most the people i hear them from go to youth group on sundays, and then they are all just doing there own things. so. i am back on. now. and i think its gonna be okay. my life is getting a little better now. people wont stop talking about me. pretty much one person. they want me to "die". and i have no idea whats happened? im still really confused with half of my life. but the other half is doing okay. actually pretty good. school is getting fun, because i finally found a few good friends. i didnt have any since one went to sturgis, and the other well blew me off (to say the very least). so i was really having a rough year up untill about now. i spent alot of lunches alone there for a while. i paritially blame myself for that. depression is almost a choice. you can be happy, but part of yourself is saying no. and you want out so bad, but in your mind theres only one specific person who could change it. when in reality the only person who can change it is yourself.

like i said, im on, becuase i dont care anymore. jill hates me. and she has made it clear in too many ways. she really makes me feel like complete and total shit. really. and i dont swear unless its something i really want to put meaning behind. i really just dont swear often at all. but i dont get it. i dont get why i cant be atleast a friend. i tried way harder than anyone else for the past 3 monthes. and the people that really didnt try, are her friends. i guess a person can only do so much, before they just realize its going to have to hurt, and it did. it hurt terribly. and to be honest, it still does. but me love jill? no. i love the old jill. the one i knew right after desperation. she was happy. all the time. and we were happy. but things went sour somehow. shes different. and i pretty much know why she is. but ive waited. and nothing changes. and it hurts to see her like this. but she doesnt want me. she doesnt want me as a boyfriend. she doesnt want me as a friend. she doesnt want me alive. i think someday, maybe, we can work things out, and i am ready to do so, whenever she is. and if shes never ready, than i guess i can only blame myself.

so ya. after all this i am not sure, if it was a regret, or a mistake or what. i think mostly i enjoyed it. i spent alot of nights up till 2 am just reading the bible, talking to god, listening to worship. and it was great. and im not stopping. because i have learned to love that alot more than the internet. so dont expect me to be on for 4 hours straight anymore. because its pathetic. overall

this was worth it

and i know i didnt make my mark, but right now, i feel like shit (hence jill) and i need to talk to people. on MSN!!!!.

goodbye

i cheated.

Currently Listening Apathetic EP By Relient K In Like A Lion see related

it was cowardness that made me push you away.

one gigantic hello.

note to reader: this entry is extremely important. if you know me. read it. becuase i dont want you to think i died.

so this is something thats been on my mind for about the past 5 minutes. i havet had much time to think but i dont care. this could very well be the most important and heartfelt entry i have every typed. so you need to read.
so i feel like god is really pressing on my heart right now. his presence is extremely strong by now and i need to do something. so the story starts here.
to everyone who thought i was happy. i was lying. and i am not. i am miserable. completely. and i need to stop kidding myself. becuase i am not doing myself one bit of good by simply convincing myself that i am doing fine. because i am not. and i say that i stick close to god. when really i read a verse. maybe two. or talk to him for 10 mintues and then come and sit in this chair while i turn on this peice of garbage that gets me nowhere. i just get online. talk to thousands of people. some that live thousands of miles away and update myspace or xanga just so it can slowly fade away. i feel purposeless. like i am making  no sense of impact on this world at all. and i feel alone. jills gone for good. zachs gone for good despite 2 days out of the month if i get lucky. and i feel like i am making all these wrong moves. i am screwing up and i know it. and if i keep going on this way i am going to end up completely ruined with no where to go. 
but please know that i am not going to complain that my friends dont realize that i am depressed, or that they arent helping enough. because all that would result in is false hope and a small fortune in pity comments. so my friends (or lack there of) are not a part of my personal problems. i refuse to blame them for my hurt. and refuse to blame them for not getting me through this. becuase this is something i have to want for myself. and now i want it.

so this is my big decision.  

no internet. untill december 25th. atleast. im just done. i am finished getting on to try and find a way to get onto blogs that i have been blocked from just so i can help someone i love, because they dont want it and its just distracting me. and its going to suck. for a while. but its one of the goals i am setting right now. so that means. no email. so if you need me. you have to call. because i refuse to get on. my second goal is that everytime i feel the urge to get on. i am going straight to either the bible, worship, or prayer. its something i feel will change things. darastically. i mean i will be doing myself a HUGE favor. and i am excited to see how much i can actually accomplish when i am doing something of importance. as gods children. we are supposed to give back. worship. prayer. or loving him. whatever. anything to bring praise to his name. and i have been missing that darastically. i have been trying so hard to fix someone elses problems, thinking solely about them. that i have lost site of whats really important. this is the key to true happiness. not some girl. not a tricked out myspace. not money. or useless item that have no true impact on us (yet we still fill our lives with those items). this is something substantial. this is who changes lives. who loves. who heals. this is jesus christ.

so now you know. you wont see me online for a few monthes. actually atleast 2. maybe more. these are my final notes to the following people.

adam- stay happy. becase you need to. if you ever need someone to talk to. you know who to call. we have already had quite a few great conversations. and i am not necisarly ready for that to end. like you always say "i am here for you, even when i am not"

kelcey- bleh. lol. umm i seee you like all the time. and our conversations consist of nothing but randomness. so i guess. umm talk to you this weekend. lol.

abby- remember i didnt blow you off. we still need to keep talking about things. so i will see you this sunday.

babyface justin- i dont even know if you read this or not but i have alot to thank you for. you have always been there to pray for me. always pushing me towards god. if it werent for you i would have given up a long time ago. we will most certainly talk this sunday at youth group.

jill- i know you dont like me. i know you pretty much hate me. but please know that i still love you, so much. me being gone doenst mean i gave up on you. every night i will get around for bed and then go to bed then begin to pray relentlessly for your well-being. and you can hate it or love it i guess. but its something i am always going to remember to do for you. stay strong. and dont let go. theres more to your life than the parts you are seeing. so go find them. i know that someday you will talk. i know it. but untill then i will miss your voice. dont ever try to ditch the memories we made. because they were wonderful. who remembers sleeping bag? down the stairs? youth for christ building? bleachers? stomach ache? orange juice? ya according to sveta i was "doing really good". ha. the night i feel in love with the most amazing girl on the planet. i miss you.

anyone i didnt mention its cause i see you everyday. i think i explained everything well enough. at lesat i hope. if any one has any questions or decides they "miss me" than give me a call. 467-7362.

so heres my gigantic goodbye.
heres to the internet (raises plastic cup that was previously filled with mountain dew)
i bid you a farewell.

"i was so afraid because you were so much better than me."